i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
