I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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