You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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