I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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