Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
