I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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