guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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