you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
