Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
