They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
