It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
