Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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