So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
