Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
