why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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