"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
