Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
