Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
