when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
