How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
