textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm always down for nudity.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
