So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just invented taco cereal.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
