Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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