it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
