Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
