You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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