Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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