On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
