If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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