watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
