She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
