if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
