It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
