Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Who died my cat blue again?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
