This is not my ceiling
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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