hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
