Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
