I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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