My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
