I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
