Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
