I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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