I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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