so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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