not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
