I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
