Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
