Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
