Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
