I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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