I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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