I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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