In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
