even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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