you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
